Migrating!!

I have decided to migrate my blog over to wordpress. If you would like to continue to follow my daily ramblings, come on over to here. I would also like to take this opportunity to invite you all out of lurkdom!!! In the last 2 days I have had almost 200 hits on my blog!!! Who are you lurkers!??? I promise not to bite! Come on, come out and say hello!!!

A Tragic Story

I know that many of us foreign blogging wives in Japan have read Losing Kei by Suzanne Kamata. At one stage it was being sent around from blogger to blogger, and it current resides with me, soon to be sent over to GaijinHousewife. Today I hopped over to Suzanne Kamata's blog and read her post about Losing Antonio, Kenzo and Angelina. What a heart wrenching story of an American woman living in Japan. This isnt fiction! This is happening in real life!! A very very sad story. This womon and her children will be in my thoughts today.

Ups and Downs...

Yesterday started out as a really crappy day and just seemed to get worse and worse as the day went on. Monday is my office day, because we have an all staff meeting in the morning. When I say office day, I mean one of the two days a week that I have to venture into the Nuthouse (PR agency) as part of my part-time contract. It was a busy day on the job and I think I translated about 15 pages in the one day, in addition to have 3 hours of internal meetings for various clients. I was feeling pretty stressed out yesterday too, cos I allowed some procrastinating over the weekend push me behind on my freelance translation and it was starting to concern me, especially with the busy Nuthouse schedule. On a slow day in the Nuthouse, i can work on my own freelance jobs when I am there, so I had actually hoped to make up for my lazy weekend. Unfortunately, there would be none of that on Monday at the Nuthouse!! And 10 minutes before I was about to pack up and clock off on time(6pm), one of the girls in the office brought me an urgent translation that was 5 pages long and legal content that needed to be done that day! At first I was really annoyed at her, but then once I got stuck into it I calmed down and realised that it wasn't her fault but the demanding client... She was in the same shoes as me and the quicker I got it done the earlier we could both go home. So, I raced through the 5 pages in less than an hour, and was out of there by 7pm. I still felt a bit highly strung cos I knew that when I got home I had a whole chapter of the book translation that needed to be done in the next 3 days (this chapter is 18 pages long). But I just couldn't deal with it after getting home at 8:30pm. So, I caught up with mails, tv, dinner, and the Mr. (who is STILL calling me Daisy, BTW!!!) of course not in that particular order... Today was a freelance home day and so this morning I woke up at 7am (early for a home day)and decided to get an early start on it. I stopped for a few breaks like taking the dry cleaners to the cleaners, having a cuppa tea with the MIL, and eating lunch, but worked well all day and got through about 12 pages of it in one day. That has to be a record for me on this book I think cos the font size is small and the pages are jam-packed with text!! So, I am rather pleased with myself and my efforts today! The content is pretty bland cos its about renewable energy and the different kinds of power generation (non-fiction of course), but I learnt something new while I was at it today so that has to be a plus. Did you know that the power frequency in Japan is different in East and West Japan by a whole 10 hertz??? So that means that different power companies cant resell energy to each other if they are in different regions. Anyway, something weird happened to me today. After I got up, had a shower and a cuppa tea and a banana for breakfast I started feeling really sickly like I was going to throw up, anyway I got back to work but the feeling wouldn't go away so I pulled out a bucket from the laundry and sat it down beside my workspace just in case while I translated away... Then 20 minutes later, I was violently hurling into the bucket! I am so glad I had the forethought to put it there. I don't think I have thrown up in about 5 years or so! It was so weird!!! After I emptied my stomach, I was totally fine. Even went back to working on the book (after I got rid of the chuck in the bucket of course!). I think it was stress from the previous day playing havoc with my stomach. (BTW, I know for sure that I am not preggers, so please no one say "maybe your pregnant!!!") Anyway, afterwards I felt fine, but it was a weird day when you think about that!!! Hoping to get the rest of the chapter done tomorrow, so I can get back on schedule for the rest of the month.
Also over the last 3 days I have had jobs coming in left right and center. I have had to knock back 3 jobs, but I was able to pass one on to a old masters buddy of mine who is currently looking for work and freelancing in the meantime. It felt good to be able to pass on some work to someone who really needs it. I also turned down two jobs from one of my translation agencies only for them to call me back and ask if I could edit the translation once it is done by someone else because it is a new client and they need high quality on the first job. I agreed to do it in the end, but I am kind of wishing I didn't now, cos the book is keeping me well and truly busy! And will continue to do so until into next month I imagine. Oh well, you know what they say, it never rains but pours hey!!!

Names, Names, Names...

Ever since I have known him and according to his mum for years and years the Mr. has this funny little habit of making up silly names for people and pets. Even his mum's dog whose real name is Mark, gets called all sorts of names like Mii-ken and Maa-ken depending on the Mr's mood. He does the same to me and although most of the time he calls me Nico, he also calls me a stream of other names such as mee-mee, min-min, mii-ko, pii-ko, and the list goes on. I used to find it amusing, but these days I will answer to anything and the endless number of new names never really surprises me. Until yesterday, when from the word go and all day long he was calling me "DAISY"!!!????? I have no idea where he got it from, but even when we went to have dinner with his mum last night he was calling me "Daisy" or "Daisy-chan" in front of her. She is so used to it she didnt bat an eyelid, which I also thought was hilarious!
Speaking of names, I dont think I have ever written about what I call the Mr. On my blog he has always been known as Nemo right from the first date, and then when we got married he was promoted to Mr. Nemo or the Mr. But IRL and ever since we first started dating I have always called him Sparky. This is a nickname I gave him cos he is an electronic engineer, and it is somewhat of an Australian tradition to give your people a nickname that ends with the sound "eee" Like Timmy, Mattie, Johnny, or Jimmy! At the start it was just my nickname to call him when it was the two of us, but after a while my family and close friends clued on and started calling him Sparky too. Even when I talk to the Mr. in front of his mum now, I call him Sparky to his face, but when I talk about him to his mum I always call him "Masaaki-san".
I considered changing his name on the blog to Sparky, but after so many years of being Nemo on here, I decided against it.
In Japanese when I talk about him to others I call him my Danna-san or if it is a stranger like the delivery guy or postman or whatever he is Shujin. When I am goofing around I someimes call him Goshujin-sama... As in Goshujin-sama okaerinasaimase! But most of the time, he is just my Sparky. I wonder what everyone else calls their Mr. to their face, and in public, with friends, and to strangers???? And I wonder for how much longer I am gonna be getting "Daisy"????

Phases of Infertility

Stage One: Concern (6 to 8 months)
This is where it all begins. A couple decides that they will begin to try to get pregnant. The birth control is stashed away in the medicine cabinet; the condoms are no longer needed. Most couples will not get pregnant immediately (and this is to be expected) however after six months of trying, they find that they are still not successful. At this point, many women will seek the help of their family doctor. After the traditional battery of tests have been performed (ultrasounds, internal examinations, blood work, etc.), the doctor concludes that while not necessarily downright infertile, she will have difficulty conceiving.
Stage Two: Denial (6 months)
While not outright dismissing the doctor’s opinion, it is still hard to swallow, and some women find themselves feeling skeptical. A lot of women think of all the various reasons they may not be getting pregnant: poor eating habits, lack of real effort, poor cycle timing, stress levels, and the list goes on. So with a new steadfast resolve, the attempts at conception continue. This time, extra attention is placed on monitoring of cycles, eating well, stress management, etc. After approximately a year of trying to no avail, a sense of fear begins to set in.
Stage Three: Anxiety (can last from a few months to a year)
At this point, the couple has realized that their problems with infertility extend beyond their immediate control. Many women experience a drop in self-esteem: feeling as though their infertility somehow symbolizes their failure as a woman. This stage is also characterized by feelings of depression, anger, and self-blame. Relationships between partners and loved ones may become strained, and it is as though life has been put on hold—all the while, the women can hear their biological clock loudly ticking away. Somewhere in this phase, in a bid to cater to their insatiable need to care for something, many women seek comfort in getting a fur baby. This is known in some infertility circles as THE FURBABY CURE. Women want to take care of something, and at least you can BUY a puppy. So they play around with the idea of getting a dog. Consider that dogs sometimes have problems adjusting to new babies when they come into a home, they realise that the smartest thing to do is to wait until the child is a little older and can be more responsible and get a dog then. But they get a puppy anyway.
Stage Four: Intervention (up to 2 years)
After the initial sting wears off, it is time to take a more medically focused aggressive approach to conception. Specialists are consulted, and different treatment options are discussed. In order to determine the most effective treatment, it is vital that all potential causes of infertility be examined—this includes having the male partner examined as well. Alternative therapies are also considered. Towards the end of this stage, it feels as though all efforts and options have been exhausted yielding no results, and despair begins to set in.
Stage Five: Despair (up to 2 years)
At this emotional stage of infertility, it is very common to feel a sense of defeat. The struggle with infertility does not remain contained within the marriage or relationship, either—it seeps into every other aspect of their lives. Social situations where children will be present or discussed become increasingly awkward and emotionally challenging to handle. It seems as though every other couple has already begun to start a family. Children are everywhere; happy parents continuously talk about them—in effect, the couple coping with infertility can never forget that they are missing out. There is also a certain amount of internal conflict: on the one hand, a stubborn determination to become pregnant, and on the other an overwhelming sense of depression and constant defeat.
Stage Six: Mourning (up to a year)
There is a certain sense of finality that often accompanies this emotional stage of infertility. The realization that they will never be parents, for example, feels very much like a loss—a loss of something that was meant to naturally happen, a loss of the opportunity that so many people say is unlike any other life experience. Some couples grieve the loss of babies lost through miscarriage or still-births, while others grieve the loss of a baby that was never conceived at all.
Stage Seven: Reorganization (on going)
During the final emotional stage of infertility, couples take inventory of their situation. It is time to explore the remaining options and determine both what is desirable and feasible. Couples can explore options such as surrogacy, sperm banks, open or closed adoption, or to live child-free. Weighing the costs and benefits for any of these options can be emotionally challenging, not to mention potentially financially stressful. Access to resources and information can make this stage a lot easier, combined with the support and guidance of friends, family members, and professionals. All couples coping with infertility go through some form of these stages however it is important to point out that the best way to manage these stages is by developing a strong support team. Infertility can be emotionally draining but having a support team can get you through it.
(Note: I found this on a infertility site ages ago, that is no longer up on the net. I would post the link otherwise, but it is no longer live. I sont know where the Mr. and I fit in here.) I suspect we may be somewhere around Reorganization moving right back to a second round of intervention again sometime in the coming months...)

My Day Trader!

My Mr. has always been into trading shares and actually was the one who got me into it as a "hobby" about 3 years ago. For weeks he has been tooting off with financial tips as he calls them saying that if he had money lying around that he would buy this stock and that stock, and he was telling me how much he would make, blah blah blah!!! On Wednesday I thought I would put all his tooting to the test...I gave him 100,000 yen and told him to go for his life and be a day trader for a while and see what he could do. He was like a kid on Christmas morning! On his first day of play, he made 20,000 yen! I was so proud of him!

Introducing Bubbles....

Bubbles was my first car. I bought her when I was in undergrad uni in Brisbane. She was born the same year as me; 1974. A semi-automatic Honda Civic, known as the HONDAMATIC! Sounds like something out of the movie Grease, dont you think!!? Most of the time she purred pretty well. On occassion she was smokin' and once she became unstoppable... literally! The key got stuck in the ignition and I couldnt turn her off!!! She had her issues, but my gosh did I love her!!! Everyone who knew me, knew Bubbles, and knew her by name! She was Bubbles to my family and friends. A close girlfriend of mine, even adopted Bubbles for a year while I was on exchange in Japan. She was glad to send her back on my return though, cos I think the cops pulled her over and fined her for excessive exhaust fumes!!! Bubbles was obviously having a bad day, cause she rarely did that with me! Sadly, in the end I traded her in when I started my masters degree, which broke my heart. I wonder if she is still around... I like to think that she found a great home with someone who adores her and likes to retore old cars as their hobby... I found these photos while decluttering some papers in a drawer last night. I wanted to post them on here for old times sake.

Infertility--Coming Out

The heartache and loss that infertility causes is so much deeper than most people know. I do not pretend to know other's pain, but can only talk about that experienced on our own little journey. Early on in our relationship, the Mr. and I talked about our dream of having kids. Neither of us being spring chickens, we decided to start preparing before we got married. So, on October 5th 2006 I started taking my basal body temperatures every morning to see firstly if I was ovulating, to track my cycles, identify the fertile window and try and establish a pattern that would help us a little later down the track. We also were of the mind that if it so happened that we were blessed with a baby before we were married, then we would be over the moon so once we were engaged in April 2007 we started down the non-prevention route. After about a year of that, getting settled after the wedding, we were still wondering when our stork would arrive. In about June last year, I decided to visit a fertility clinic and underwent an array of tests. Each series of tests has to be taken a different time in your cycle and after about 8 days off work in a span of three months or so, and infertility still unexplained, I decided to hold off on the tests for a while. My unexplained infertility, the disappointments every month, the heartache seeing my period arrive like clockwork every month, the pressure of baby-making sex, and an overload of information online, really started to get too much for me.
You see, the Mr. already has a son from his previous marriage. I see how he carries this void around with him not being able to see his son or speak with him regularly. My heart aches when I try and imagine how it must feel to be shut off and so far away from your little boy. My Mr. is a strong man and not a very emotional one at that...and the only times I have ever seen him cry are on two occasions and these were both tears he shed for his son. It broke my heart into a million pieces to see that. Knowing that there is nothing I can do to change that situation, and also knowing that even if we have a baby, no other child could ever take the place of or make up for the one he lost.
Of course, we didn't tell anyone at first about our trying to conceive. I guess it is part of the excitement, expecting that in the not so distant future we would get to make our own announcement! You know, the ones where all the family is gathered around for some other occasion and we get to tell them all our news... Two years and 8 months on and we are still waiting for that time... keeping it a secret was fun at first, because we there was that hope and expectations that it could be our month next month. Problem was that no one knew that we were TTC and having problems, so people would start asking us all kinds of question. The high-school friend on facebook... the aunt on Christmas day gatherings, the friend at someone else's wedding reception... even people commenting on my blog with comments like "I know how much you want kids..." made me go nuts cos I would think to myself "you have no fricken idea!" Normally these kinda comments wouldn't bother you and they probably did this before we were TTC, but it didn't register. It didn't hurt back then. All those questions... you know like... "You guys do want kids, right?", "how many kids are you planning?", blah blah blah.... Sometimes I would smile and nod... then changed the subject, or I would make up some excuse... work is busy... timing is not right... start trying after XXX... some milestone we were waiting on before we started our family...Like my business venture or a poorly timed overseas trip, etc... Unfortunately, to tell or not to tell is a double-edged sword because if you don’t tell people they keep making insensitive comments or incessantly asking questions fueled by my vague responses and if you do tell people you open yourself up to be bombarded with unsolicited advice, stories like "I know this woman...", comments like "just relax", "your thinking too much", "stick your legs in the air for 15 mins", "use a pillow to prop yourself up", blah blah blah...
After 2 years of playing the infertility game we decided to take a break, and have only recently started thinking about getting back on the horse so to speak. This time round however, I don't want to bottle it all in. This time round I am going to be out and unapologetic. I think I cared a little too much about how my comments or disclosure would effect others or make them feel uncomfortable. I mean come on... we are talking about private things when we talk about fertility. It's the hush hush... the birds and the bees, you know the "lets get it on!" kinda stuff, and not everyone is comfortable with that, not to mention that there are so many emotions intertwined in it all... disappointment, guilt, self-doubt, pride, heartache and a whole lot of frustration. I know it sounds somewhat conceited to say this but my whole life I have always been good at whatever I did, have always achieved every goal I set for myself, excelled at school, study, savings, always knew exactly what I wanted to be and went after it, landed the high-income jobs, performance bonuses, promotions, etc... Fertility is the one thing in my life that I have no control over and no matter how hard I wish for or try to overcome this, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Coming to terms with this for the first time in my life has been the hardest obstacle for me on this journey. So, where am I now... I think I am in a really good place. The time off has allowed me to put things into perspective a little. And I have been able to start to talk about this with my close friends, a few kindred blogger buddies, and family. Now that the material aspects that you prepare for before a baby are all taken care of such as having our own house, assets and financial security, and we start to feel a little more in control (or get used to?) the emotional aspects, I am now on a journey to get some of the physical preparations in order. I quit smoking (long overdue!) and am on a health and weight loss journey. It is something else to obsess about instead of my BBT charts! I have lost 4kgs so far and am feeling fabulous! Even think i could start liking the gym, a concept I never thought possible before!!
So, from now on, I am going to be talking a lot about this on my blog. And if you don't care to follow along, I understand. I will tag all my related posts and also flag post titles. Also, I ask that anyone who cares to comment refrain from offering unsolicited advice. That only serves to remind us reproductively challenged what we are doing wrong and our failures... I know you mean well, but honestly I will ask for advice if and when I need it. I will be using my blog sometimes as an outlet to talk about our journey, and appreciate any words of support, encouragement and all the baby dust you can share!!

What a Beauty!!!!

In true blue Aussie Steve Irwin style, I say check out that beauty! Look at her go.... She is on the move alright! Check her out!! Isn't she gorgeous!??
Keep going, keep going!!!

Justifications...

Lately I have noticed that a common trait among us human beings is to justify our actions, regardless of how selfish, irresponsible or misguided our choices may be at the time. You know that little voice we hear inside our heads... It goes something like this: "I deserve that huge bling I bought myself (the one I cant afford!)", "I made the right choice accepting this new job (the one I hate but pays a shitload)", "It's ok if I take the day off tomorrow (that urgent job isnt so important anyways)", "Lets start a family now (even though we have no savings, assets, financial security)", "I can eat this chocolate cake (cos I promise to go to the gym tomorrow!", "lets buy this house (even though we are overextending ourselves majorly on the loan". I guess it makes us feel more in control of our lives. It makes us feel better about situations that we put ourselves in. Allows us to "believe" that our choice is for the best and things will work out in the end. It encourages us to say things like "it was fate" or "was meant to be". Dont get me wrong... I am a believer in fate and the powers that be. But sometimes I think we make irresponible and reckless decisions based on our emotions or the influence of others... or worse our fears or demons. If only, as human beings, we were capable of putting aside or turning off, even if it is just for a moment, the very trait that makes us human; EMOTIONS. Without emotions we would be able to think rationally and practically about our life choices. Be comfortable about holding off on that major purchase, making that job change or postponing the international move. Be content to say, it is not our time yet. Know in your heart of hearts that the decision you made wasnt made on a whim or a instinct, or worse cause everyone else seems to be doing it. Feel at peace knowing that you didnt rush into anything and that you made your choices for the right reasons, not just for you but for the people around you that you love. A decision that you know in your heart of hearts was the best choice for you, your happiness, your family and theirs. A decision that you can be accountable for; Now and tomorrow.
I realize that this probably doesnt make a lot of sense to those reading, but that is ok as I dont care to explain it. This post is for me. It is to keep me honest to myself, to keep those emotions in toe, and reassure myself that even though I am on the road less travelled, that it is my road and I choose it. It might not be the flatest, smoothest, prettiest road, but it definetely is the safest, most responsible, most thought-out and planned journey ever. It is the best path for me and us. It is the path we dream of. And I know in my heart of hearts that this is the right one. I hope that I will always be able to say that for all my big life choices to come.

Rainy Sundays and A Trip Down Memory Lane...

Its a lazy raining Sunday here in Tokyo and this morning I sent away the 4th installment in the book translation, along with the invoice for that chapter. After I sent it off I vacuumed the house, baked some vegies, and relaxed in front of the tellie with a cuppa. It is a good day to chill before another hectic week starts again tomorrow. Can you believe it will be June 1st tomorrow! I think that is so insane! Where did the first half of this year go?
Speaking of half a year... half a year ago or more I scanned some old photos while I was visiting Brisbane. Old family photos that I wanted to have with me in Japan. I am so glad I was able to scan these and now have the data for them, because old photos deteriorate and even these have started to show their age. While putting something away ina draw during the week, I found the CD with these old photos saved on it and thought I would post a few up here.

This is my grandparents wedding in Scotland roughly 75 years ago I am guessing. I am sure mum or dad will be able to confirm that for me. People tell me I am the spitting image of my paternal grandmother, nanna.

This is a picture of my dad I am guessing when he was around 1 or jsut before. This was also taken in Scotland, almost 70 years ago as my dad turns 70 this October.

That is my mum with her oldest brother John above, and below sitting there at her little kids table.

And again below, with her brothers, John and Tony. I love the look of these old photos and the way they have been colored in. When you think about how far we have come from then till now with our cameras on our mobiles and digital cameras, it really is amazing.

This one below is interesting because I think my maternal grandma, nonna, looks exactly like my mother now and my mum in the photo (the little girl) looks so much like my eldest neice. I never got to meet my nonna, but I picture her to be a lot like my mum. A lovely Italian Nonna with a heart of gold and so giving--that is how I picture her to be.

Now I have to post these pics of my mum, cos I think she looks so cool and I do love her up-dos!
This was her with her first car. She loved this car so much, she still has the key to it.
This was my dad before he got married. Check out his do!

This is a picture of my mum and dad on their wedding day. They had 7 people at their wedding including themselves and the priest! They were married in Sydney, and my uncle Tony and Aunt Jo were in the wedding party.

The wedding party which was made up of 6 people including the bride and groom.

This one below I beleive is my sister's christening in Brisbane, and in the photo are my Uncle Ray and Aunt Adriana. I love my mum's do and the dress!

And this is me.

Of course, I wouldnt be Aussie without a picture with a kangaroo!

And here is one of my sister and I at Christmas time. She got an Annie Oakly outfit, and I got a nurse outfit and on the back of the photo it said "Christmas 1977, Darwin, Annie Oakley and Nurse Trouble" I laughed so hard when I saw that.

And I WAS trouble! Just take one look at my face in this one! Woman with a mission alright!
I love that photo above for two reasons. My childhood cat is asleep under the Christmas tree. We had him from when I was about 1 year old till I was in university. He travelled with our family all over the place, from Brisbane to Rockhampton, to Darwin, and back to Brisbane and three different house moves there. He died at the age of 18. He was a beautiful cat. And the other reason I love this photo is because it looks like we only got those outfits for Christmas and we were so stoked about them. My neices are so spoilt at Christmas time, and half the time they get so much they dont remember who they got what from!!
And lastly a cheaky one of me by the pool at our house in Darwin. Isnt that a cheaky grin! Looking at this photo reminds me of my youngest neice a bit.

Amazing how all those freckles on my nose and face have disappeared over the years. I wish I had some photos of the Mr. to share when he was a baby. But they are all in storage in the family home in Chiba, and I have only seen one that his mum keeps downstairs. Cant wait to see the others one day...