Lately I have noticed that a common trait among us human beings is to justify our actions, regardless of how selfish, irresponsible or misguided our choices may be at the time. You know that little voice we hear inside our heads... It goes something like this: "I deserve that huge bling I bought myself (the one I cant afford!)", "I made the right choice accepting this new job (the one I hate but pays a shitload)", "It's ok if I take the day off tomorrow (that urgent job isnt so important anyways)", "Lets start a family now (even though we have no savings, assets, financial security)", "I can eat this chocolate cake (cos I promise to go to the gym tomorrow!", "lets buy this house (even though we are overextending ourselves majorly on the loan". I guess it makes us feel more in control of our lives. It makes us feel better about situations that we put ourselves in. Allows us to "believe" that our choice is for the best and things will work out in the end. It encourages us to say things like "it was fate" or "was meant to be". Dont get me wrong... I am a believer in fate and the powers that be. But sometimes I think we make irresponible and reckless decisions based on our emotions or the influence of others... or worse our fears or demons. If only, as human beings, we were capable of putting aside or turning off, even if it is just for a moment, the very trait that makes us human; EMOTIONS. Without emotions we would be able to think rationally and practically about our life choices. Be comfortable about holding off on that major purchase, making that job change or postponing the international move. Be content to say, it is not our time yet. Know in your heart of hearts that the decision you made wasnt made on a whim or a instinct, or worse cause everyone else seems to be doing it. Feel at peace knowing that you didnt rush into anything and that you made your choices for the right reasons, not just for you but for the people around you that you love. A decision that you know in your heart of hearts was the best choice for you, your happiness, your family and theirs. A decision that you can be accountable for; Now and tomorrow.
I realize that this probably doesnt make a lot of sense to those reading, but that is ok as I dont care to explain it. This post is for me. It is to keep me honest to myself, to keep those emotions in toe, and reassure myself that even though I am on the road less travelled, that it is my road and I choose it. It might not be the flatest, smoothest, prettiest road, but it definetely is the safest, most responsible, most thought-out and planned journey ever. It is the best path for me and us. It is the path we dream of. And I know in my heart of hearts that this is the right one. I hope that I will always be able to say that for all my big life choices to come.
3 hours ago
17 comments:
I know what you mean, Nooh. :) I'm glad that you are happy with what you have chosen to do in your life. In fact, you have inspired me lots!
Hi Nooh,
I think it takes a certain level of awareneness to be able to make a decision based on what you prefer, what you know and feel is right for you and your loved ones, and not be influenced by others.
So, it'S not surprising to read this entry, because to me, the one theme that runs throughout your blog is your ability to be true to yourself.....from your relationships to your new career...it is really inspirational to see how you're able to know yourself and what you want, and actually create a life that reflects all this :)
Kelly, thanks for your comment. It is nice to know that someone gets it and agrees! I knew you would though! I am glad that you find some inspiration in my blog, even though I dont really understand why? Thanks for the comment though, it made my day! And yes, I am happy with the lot I chose. Soemthings however take time, and I wanted to have a rant while I continue to wait...
Jo, thanks so much for your sweet comments. I guess being true to myself is one thing I am good at, sometimes too much so to the detriment of others sometimes. Things are pretty black and white with me, and if I dont agree/like/support something, I dont have to say a word... you can see it on my face. That isnt such a great trait to have sometimes. But I suppose better than being totally insincere and fake, right?
I guess what i mean is that I admire your motivation to get out there in a foreign country and start your own business. To me you seem like the embodiment of "girl power". :) I admire that about you.
And also, because of your skill with Japanese, it inspired me to do better with my Japanese. I feel motivated by you, even though you didn't conciously do anything. :)
And throughout whatever personal hardships you have been through and go through, you always have a kind word for others. That's not an easy thing to.
Sorry I meant that's not an easy thing to do.
Thanks luv! I laughed when you wrote about "girl power!" Classic!
It is funny though, this post is not about my business really. It is me peeking my head out of the angry infertile closet!!! Might actually drag my ass out completely one of these days!!!
Thanks for the support!
Yep, I realised that. I just thought I would tell you though anyways, :)
Okay... you have clearly pegged me for the girl who eats chocolate cake and works out an extra 20minutes to shed it...
I've also noticed lately, and I hope no one takes an offense but probably will, why would someone start a family without any savings, jobs lined up or a place to live, you can't bring a baby into an already unhappy unsecured situation, it just acerbates the "bad"!
I remember a long time back when we bought land, about 7 years ago, we could have gotten a house we really did not want because EVERYONE else was doing it, or move out into the boonies when you really didn't want to.. at first it is tempting to jump on the band-wagon but we both knew what we wanted and had to plan it, even if it took us 8 or more years, but I didn't want to compromise too much or I would have been an unhappy camper later...
I even stopped following trends, I just bought what caught my eye, hence the crazy, funky dresses I posted about-- I won't wear skinny jeans cause they are in, just because, I have a j-LO butt... skinny jeans will ... ah you can get the picture = )
I also knew from the start that I didn't want to be a housewife because I am a firm believer if we both work hard (it is a bumpy road getting there) we can attain the "things" we really want.
Some people in Japan were gossiping about why we got a condo and are building a home-- I felt, why in the hell to I have to justify their questions... I know you know what I mean = )
I approached it with renting the condo out (furnished to a yuppie) that would pay for our loan or half.
I think that's why I am so BLUNT about what I post, if we are true to ourselves, then we have a certain sense of freedom.
Sorry, not meaning to make this comment so long... I've been married for 10 years coming up, and instead of having a "show off" wedding and inviting 300 people that I don't know and spending over 100k, I put it on hold, then my dad got sick, etc, etc...
I just take a look around and think why in the hell would you spend money or people you DON'T know and share these precious moments with strangers...
I think you are by far... well I can most certainly say you road is not less traveled but vas and traveled safely, you are the one who inspired me to start studying Japanese again I was so jealous...
I turned that jealously into "lighting a fire under my butt" I really, (although I love money) want to practice law as well in Japan,and in order to get any type of qualification.... yadda, yadda...
I wish some of the women we know from groups, just some, a few would be more into the "women" power, I think it is smarter to work together than against each other... no what I mean...
I'm with you on the "woman power" GirlJapan. I hear ya!
I agree with your comments about if you can't afford it, then don't have it. But on the same front it seems to be the people who don't have the savings and the house always get it? Or is it just me?
haha Always get it? Could you clarify? Sorry my mind is going in circles-- do you mean some get the house without having any type of savings and just get it on a loan?
Well, you were talking about "why would someone start a family when they have no savings, no house to live in".
To me, as a woman who has savings, and a house to live in and is waiting for the baby to come, it seems that those who don't plan, don't have savings, and don't have a house, can have a baby fall into their laps almost like the stork dropped one! It seems that if you don't plan anything your life is somehow easier. But that's just from my viewpoint. :)
I see all these young women having kids, they didn't plan it, they don't have money or a job. Here I am on the flip side of the coin with all this stability to offer a child, and no child forthcoming. It feels like a rip-off even though this is the way I had planned.
Oh Kelly, luv... you bring me to that ultimate question... the one that has been a whisper in my head for the last year or so... CAN WE HAVE IT ALL!!!?????? The healthy marriage, the loving family, the successful job/biz, the financial security, and of course the baby... The only one I seem to be missing is the long awaited baby, hence this lingering question in the back of my head.
GJ, I love your honesty! Actually, I had pegged myself for the chocolate cake!!! I so understand you on the wedding thing! That is why we had a total of 29 people at our wedding, including us, our family, and friends. It was perfect for us. We spent more money on our honeymoon to Europe than on the entire wedding, and gosh was it worth it!!! No regrets there! We both fell in love with Vienna!
You are so positive! I love it. You have in turn inspired me! Hats off to you for sticking your ground about your investments. I totally think you did the right thing there. Thing is though... with investments you can always sell it or rent or reinvest if you need to. Not so simple when you have a baby that you rushed into for the wrong reasons...
Someone once said that having a baby was selfish (can’t remember which gaijin wife blogger it was) but in my book, becoming a mother is one of the most selfless things a woman can do in this world. Maybe I have put way too much thought into this and want it so bad, that it bugs me when I see others waltz in on a whim and it all seeming to come so easily for them. I know that they will make it work out, because we do in the end, but it makes me question why I bother putting so much effort, preparation, thought, planning, and calculations into something I want so bad. I guess being young and spontaneous about these big life decisions may be seen as a blessing perhaps, but I can’t help but wonder about the what ifs…know what I mean?
AH.. yes yes yes!! Sorry, I am slow today... very slow!
You have permission to smack me! Yea, what the hell, then I see them struggle-- then the child gets in the middle of a very unhappy situation... or then you see some mum drop their kid off for dead... I have so often see those mums leave Japan and go back home...
We'll have to talk about this, I may post about my situation someday soon, or if you ladies want to have a chat about it in privacy like on YM that would be fantastic = )
Sorry Nooh... I hope you don't mind the chatter on your blog.. I tend to blabber...
No at all, I am loving the chatter!!!
Stay tunded for more infertility related posts now that I am officially out of the closet!!!!! HAHAHA! :)
Yes, it was the "what if's" that I could not live by, I wanted to do everything in order, so I completely get you.
I think it could be a mix of both, depending on the reason of wanting and having a baby, or maybe selfish is the wrong word to use.. I think if you have one for the right reasons (not because some group is doing it, just to do it but for all the right reasons, as in the time is right.)
But we can't take money out the equation, because it takes a lot to raise, amongst one being education, etc, etc so I think, I could be wrong that those who rush, sometimes their children end up doing "without" and the parents continue to struggle.
We all should talk sometime, I'd love to share my story, etc but I am not ready to publicly yet.
GJ, and your points reinforce why I am happy with my choice of preparing for the what ifs and maybes, so that we dont have to struggle when our time comes.
I'm with you guys on the wedding thing. We only had us and two witnesses at the registry office. Then photo's at a Japanese garden and a night in a hotel, followed by a month in Japan. Everyone thought I was bonkers because I didn't want a big hoo-haa. I'm not that kind of person, I can't stand all the ceremony. Oh well, at least I know I'm in good company!!
Yes GJ, money always comes into it and it is an important part of it.
And like, my mum and sister are the perfect examples of unplanned pregnancies, and they are still very much in debt, with no obvious investments, and were always trying to hand their kids over to someone else to look after for some "time out". So yeah, wouldn't want to be in that situation. So looking at it like that, it's a hard journey even if seems easy.
I would like to know too, if we can have it all. I hope we can.
I agree with you, becoming a mother is a really selfless thing, you put yourself on the backburner indefinitely. But god how I would love to do that!!
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