Infertility--Coming Out

The heartache and loss that infertility causes is so much deeper than most people know. I do not pretend to know other's pain, but can only talk about that experienced on our own little journey. Early on in our relationship, the Mr. and I talked about our dream of having kids. Neither of us being spring chickens, we decided to start preparing before we got married. So, on October 5th 2006 I started taking my basal body temperatures every morning to see firstly if I was ovulating, to track my cycles, identify the fertile window and try and establish a pattern that would help us a little later down the track. We also were of the mind that if it so happened that we were blessed with a baby before we were married, then we would be over the moon so once we were engaged in April 2007 we started down the non-prevention route. After about a year of that, getting settled after the wedding, we were still wondering when our stork would arrive. In about June last year, I decided to visit a fertility clinic and underwent an array of tests. Each series of tests has to be taken a different time in your cycle and after about 8 days off work in a span of three months or so, and infertility still unexplained, I decided to hold off on the tests for a while. My unexplained infertility, the disappointments every month, the heartache seeing my period arrive like clockwork every month, the pressure of baby-making sex, and an overload of information online, really started to get too much for me.
You see, the Mr. already has a son from his previous marriage. I see how he carries this void around with him not being able to see his son or speak with him regularly. My heart aches when I try and imagine how it must feel to be shut off and so far away from your little boy. My Mr. is a strong man and not a very emotional one at that...and the only times I have ever seen him cry are on two occasions and these were both tears he shed for his son. It broke my heart into a million pieces to see that. Knowing that there is nothing I can do to change that situation, and also knowing that even if we have a baby, no other child could ever take the place of or make up for the one he lost.
Of course, we didn't tell anyone at first about our trying to conceive. I guess it is part of the excitement, expecting that in the not so distant future we would get to make our own announcement! You know, the ones where all the family is gathered around for some other occasion and we get to tell them all our news... Two years and 8 months on and we are still waiting for that time... keeping it a secret was fun at first, because we there was that hope and expectations that it could be our month next month. Problem was that no one knew that we were TTC and having problems, so people would start asking us all kinds of question. The high-school friend on facebook... the aunt on Christmas day gatherings, the friend at someone else's wedding reception... even people commenting on my blog with comments like "I know how much you want kids..." made me go nuts cos I would think to myself "you have no fricken idea!" Normally these kinda comments wouldn't bother you and they probably did this before we were TTC, but it didn't register. It didn't hurt back then. All those questions... you know like... "You guys do want kids, right?", "how many kids are you planning?", blah blah blah.... Sometimes I would smile and nod... then changed the subject, or I would make up some excuse... work is busy... timing is not right... start trying after XXX... some milestone we were waiting on before we started our family...Like my business venture or a poorly timed overseas trip, etc... Unfortunately, to tell or not to tell is a double-edged sword because if you don’t tell people they keep making insensitive comments or incessantly asking questions fueled by my vague responses and if you do tell people you open yourself up to be bombarded with unsolicited advice, stories like "I know this woman...", comments like "just relax", "your thinking too much", "stick your legs in the air for 15 mins", "use a pillow to prop yourself up", blah blah blah...
After 2 years of playing the infertility game we decided to take a break, and have only recently started thinking about getting back on the horse so to speak. This time round however, I don't want to bottle it all in. This time round I am going to be out and unapologetic. I think I cared a little too much about how my comments or disclosure would effect others or make them feel uncomfortable. I mean come on... we are talking about private things when we talk about fertility. It's the hush hush... the birds and the bees, you know the "lets get it on!" kinda stuff, and not everyone is comfortable with that, not to mention that there are so many emotions intertwined in it all... disappointment, guilt, self-doubt, pride, heartache and a whole lot of frustration. I know it sounds somewhat conceited to say this but my whole life I have always been good at whatever I did, have always achieved every goal I set for myself, excelled at school, study, savings, always knew exactly what I wanted to be and went after it, landed the high-income jobs, performance bonuses, promotions, etc... Fertility is the one thing in my life that I have no control over and no matter how hard I wish for or try to overcome this, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Coming to terms with this for the first time in my life has been the hardest obstacle for me on this journey. So, where am I now... I think I am in a really good place. The time off has allowed me to put things into perspective a little. And I have been able to start to talk about this with my close friends, a few kindred blogger buddies, and family. Now that the material aspects that you prepare for before a baby are all taken care of such as having our own house, assets and financial security, and we start to feel a little more in control (or get used to?) the emotional aspects, I am now on a journey to get some of the physical preparations in order. I quit smoking (long overdue!) and am on a health and weight loss journey. It is something else to obsess about instead of my BBT charts! I have lost 4kgs so far and am feeling fabulous! Even think i could start liking the gym, a concept I never thought possible before!!
So, from now on, I am going to be talking a lot about this on my blog. And if you don't care to follow along, I understand. I will tag all my related posts and also flag post titles. Also, I ask that anyone who cares to comment refrain from offering unsolicited advice. That only serves to remind us reproductively challenged what we are doing wrong and our failures... I know you mean well, but honestly I will ask for advice if and when I need it. I will be using my blog sometimes as an outlet to talk about our journey, and appreciate any words of support, encouragement and all the baby dust you can share!!